Sunday, November 4, 2012

Grover vs.Grover: Sandy, Norquist & Why we Blue States Are Saying 'See Ya!'

In the gloomy aftermath of Sandy and the toll it has taken on NY & NJ, it is frustrating to think of the followers of Grover Glenn Norquist who want to severely shrink the ability of our government to provide services like those at work right now from FEMA and state and local first responders.  These services are essential for providing food and medical care to Sandy victims.  Private help is useful but cannot fill the void if governmental support were materially diminished.  For those not quite familiar with Mr. Norquist, he's had an incredible impact on American politics and government.  
Grover Glenn Norquist is an American lobbyist, conservative activist, and founder and president of Americans for Tax Reform.  He began his political career volunteering for Nixon (remember how much we liked Nixon?) in 1968 and was among the co-authors (working closely with Newt Gingrich) of the 1994 Contract with America (we Democrats called it the "Contract on America").  Norquist also has close ties with disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff who did so nicely with native Americans and casinos.  While Norquist was mentioned in Abramoff's memoirs and  in Senate testimony pertaining to the 3 felony criminal counts to which Abramoff plead guilty, Norquist has not been found to have done anything wrong (to my knowledge).  Norquist is also active in the Tea Party and, most famously, according to wikipedia, Norquist "is known as the promoter of the "Taxpayer Protection Pledge", which was signed by 95% of all Republican Congressmen and all but one of the 2012 Republican presidential candidates, to oppose increases in marginal income tax rates for individuals and businesses, as well as net reductions or eliminations of deductions and credits without a matching reduced tax rate."  

So what's my reaction to the capture of our political system by the Red States and the political ideology championed by Norquist (can we really have 95% of one party's officials have signed that pledge...written by a Tea Party loyalist)? Well, in the words Paddy Chayefsky (screen writing genius) wrote in Sidney Lumet's brilliant film, Network: "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" So with this, I've plagiarized (it's okay as long as I admit that, right?) an attempt at secession ...and while I didn't write the below, I kind of wish I had...because when it comes right down it to it, I'd rather fund the cute furry Grover from Sesame Street than the other Grover who wants to zero fund PBS (yes, that's right it is Grover vs. Grover (and Big Bird...nobody ever should have messed with that bird!)).

Subject: Enough already!
Dear Red States:

We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving: "Legitimate rape" and the opposition to Marital Equality were reason enough!

We in New York and New Jersey intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the
people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and my law school professor Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal, Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.

We get Intel, Microsoft, Bloomberg, Google, Twitter, and Facebook. You get WorldCom and Enron.

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms (hey, we like single moms...heck, we have a binder just full of 'em).

Please be aware that the E.S.A. will be pro choice and will provide full rights for the LGBT community.  You get the ability to carry concealed automatic weapons, like those so effectively deployed in high school and movie theater shootings throughout our nation.

We wish you success in Afghanistan, and possibly Iran as well, but we're not willing to spend our resources in these sorts of pursuits.

With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of
the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (we trust that you will enjoy serving French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools including Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. 

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, virtually 100% of all televangelists and Rush Limbaugh (see above for the disastrous strong winds).

We get Hollywood, Napa Valley and Yosemite, thank you.

We get Bruce Springsteen you get Lynyrd Skynyrd (FYI -- Lynyrd Skynyrd changed their mind and want to fly the Confederate Flag at concerts again).

38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a 
whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penaltyor gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico. 

Citizens of the Enlightened States of America
people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).

Sent from my iPad (and typed while on an espresso-induced buzz)
P.S. Looks like we get all the good pizza too!